“I don’t want to be sitting there at a restaurant and say, “Hey baby, I just have to run to the bog and smoke a joint.”-- Macca on why he had to give up his precious weed.

“I don’t attempt to reconcile it with the environment. Concorde is a compromise.”-- Sting can only go so green.

“I’m really sick and tired of having to ask people who are younger than me whether I can do things. I didn’t mind so much when I was in my twenties, I could pretend it was like being back in school. But it’s gone on too long.”-- Robert Smith of the Cure explains the band’s current hiatus.

“I am really a big Elvis fan ‘cos he’s from Vegas.” -- Britney Spears impresses us all with her vast understanding of music history!!!

“If everyone who was nasty to us rotted in Hell, it would be a very crowded place.”--Yoko

“Suddenly our name is not so cool. It’s as though it’s 1937 and I’m a band leader named Freddie Hitler.” -- Scott Ian of thrash metal kings Anthrax.

“The radio makes hideous sounds.” -- Bob Dylan on the current state of music.

“My reaction was, You can’t do that!!! He’s hurting that guitar! What are they doing?! We were flummoxed. We had no idea what was going on.” -- David Crosby on his reaction to seeing the Who for the first time.

“Nothing like a good school shooting to inspire a record.” -- Marilyn Manson looks on the bright side of the Columbine shootings.

“Where the hell is that place? Who would travel 16 hours to get there?” -- Britney Spears is a little baffled by the whereabouts of Australia.

“We couldn’t listen to the whole thing at once. It was emotionally overwhelming ‘cos it’s like revisiting your childhood, only in a smellaphonic dream.” -- Stephen Stills explains the impact of hearing the Buffalo Springfield box set on he and Neil Young.

“Cocaine has left me with emotional damage. My memory’s like Swiss Cheese.” -- David Bowie explains why his regrets are too few to mention.

“If you don’t have ice cream in your life, sometimes you might go a bit crazy.” -- Mariah Carey unsuccessfully tries to explain her “nervous breakdown.”

“There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me.” -- David Hasselhoff. who thinks that all dying children reside in Germany.

“The stuff they do is disgusting, glamorizing all the bullshit, lifestyle and peripheral crap. Hardly anything is about music.”-- Punk priestess Patti Smith, who has apparently cancelled her subscriptions to VH1 & MTV.

“Oh, who gives a fuck?” -- David Gilmour after being asked when the next Pink Floyd album will come out.

” ‘The wild cheetah is searching for food.’ It’s cool saying that.” -- Iggy Pop on his new job doing voiceovers for animal documentaries.

“Everybody knows I’m a fuck-up. Oh well good luck with the book.” -- Ace Frehley of Kiss responds to former bandmate Gene Simmons calling him a ‘moron’ in his new tell-all book.

“I just thought America needed to see what a normal family was really like.” -- Sharon Osbourne, who apparently has never in her life seen a ‘normal family’.

“Noel Gallagher was making goo goo eyes at me and I was totally into it. And all the time he was talking to me, I was eating a little lemon-crème tartlet, and the feeling of all that fluffy sweet yet sour cream oozing down my throat was really erotic and extremely tasty!” -- Shirley Manson of Garbage explaining a dream she had on her web site.

“I’m searching for the man who wrote, ‘And they lived happily ever after.’ He’s got to be a cunt.” -- Ozzy Osbourne

“We both want to kill our wives and cut up our mothers.”--Randy Newman explaining why he is just like white boy rapper Eminem.

“James Taylor and God are the reasons I play music.” -- Garth Brooks. Let’s hope James Taylor and God tell him to stop - and soon!!!

“In America, [they say], ’ love the way you talk,’ and I’m like, ‘Pity I don’t like the way you talk. Shut up!!” -- Kelly Osbourne

“Heroin, funnily enough.” -- Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers on what he is allergic to.

“Hope I die before I become Pete Townshend.”--Kurt Cobain from his recently published diaries. Apparently the dumb shit got his wish.

“The scribblings of a crazed and depressed drug addict in the midst of what those of us who have been through drug rehab describe as ‘tinking thinking.’ [This is] a despicable exercise in sensationalist rock necrophilia.” -- Pete Townshend mincing no words in responding to the Kurt Cobain’s comments on his web site.

“I’ve seen drag queens that look better” -- Kelly Osbourne expressing her deep admiration for Christina Aguilera

“Christina Aguilera needs to get her head out of her ass and fucking see the real world and see that she’s very lucky, shut the fuck up, get a new stylist, and just go out there and sing.” -- Sharon Osbourne (like mother, like daughter)

“Kelly put boogers on [Christina’s] car. They were in the same studio, and they don’t like each other, and so she’s got this big Bentley that she drives around in, so Kelly picked her nose and put boogers on all the handles.” -- Sharon Osbourne (ditto)

“I hope it all goes down the crapper. It’s top heavy it’s wasteful. It’s an insane business. Now this is all calculated music. It’s calculated for sales, it’s sonically calculated, it’s rudely calculated. I’m ashamed to be a part of the music business. You know, I just think it’s a cesspool.” -- Joni Mitchell on why she loves the music industry.

“You’ve got all these assorted divas, like those sappy, romantic singers. They are not tender like Nat “King” Cole--they are overwrought. And it’s very flashy, but it’s soulless. You look into the eyes of these people, and you know they are looking at themselves in the mirror. There is nothing to them but their own image. There’s just nothing.” -- Joni Mitchell, my hero!!!

“These people are about as deep as a birdbath.” -- David Crosby shares his feeling about the current state of the music industry.

“It’s like going across the river on the back of an alligator.” -- Tom Waits, another record industry fan.

“I don’t have to worry about drugs with my children. They looked at what drugs did to Keith Richards, and they thought, ‘No’.” -- Jerry Hall

“[Rock ‘n’ Roll is] where God and the devil shake hands.” -- Neil Young

“There will not be another movie - People think we were killed off, but our bus just rolled over and we escaped.” -- Derek Smalls, bass player for Spinal Tap (aka Harry Shearer)

“If I’m as big as a house, maybe I should start charging rent. Some pussy ass writer at NME owes me rent-for living in my ass.” -- The new, improved, and much fatter Axl Rose at a London Concert, making even less sense than he did in the 80s.

“Black Sabbath were a hippie band. We were into peace.” -- Whatever, Ozzy!!!

“I hyperventilate opening a box of chocolates. I’m the most nervous guy in the world.” -- Ozzy Osbourne

“If you don’t have a flag sticking out of your ass, you must be a communist.” -- Chrissy Hynde on the new American patriotism.

“I don’t want pretty and I don’t want nice. I want stiff. I was thinking of calling the new album Stiff is the New Hard, but I thought that would be taken the wrong way.” -- Madonna with her mind still in the gutter.

“If she had a clue, she wouldn’t have made that movie Crossroads, don’t you think?!”--An equally clueless Justin Timberlake, on his former slu... I mean girlfriend Britney.

“If I want to put tits on my back, that’s nobody’s business but mine.” -- Cher

“The only thing that kept me out of college was high school.” -- Uncle Kracker

“Doesn’t that hurt?” -- Anna Nicole Smith, whose IQ drops as her boobs and butt get bigger, on suicide bombers.

“I can’t even remember the last time I had sex.” -- Robert Plant.

“If you thought Neil Young and I were mad about being young, wait ‘til you hear how mad we are being old and decrepit.” -- Unsung pop genius Warren Zevon.

“I read this thing that says Madonna is a genius at selling sex. That really takes a lot of genius!!! I think we should start an organization like Rock the Vote, which she advertised in her underwear. I want to start an organization called Gag the Hussy!!” -- Elvis Costello (yet another Madonna enthusiast)

“He’s greedy and ridiculous.” -- Chuck D. of Public Enemy joins the Lars Ulrich fan club.

“In the 60s it was 23 year olds trying to sound grown up. Now you get 33 year olds trying to be 18.” -- Chrissie Hynde comments on how things have changed.

“We serve the turkey with the head still on. Some people crack the wishbone -- I rip the head off.” -- Old habits die hard for Ozzy Osbourne during the holidays.

“He was always mad. It was just something that we got used to.” -- Ronnie Wood’s daughter Leah on growing up with “Uncle Keef.”

“He’s very pretty . Maybe that’s why he’s so paranoid.” -- Boy George ponders why Eminem doesn’t like gay people.

“We raised Momma’s dress up, we took some grease, we put the comb on the stove-man that comb was hot-and when it hit the grease, the grease sizzled and rolled down on Momma’s........” -- -- Ike Turner explains the ancient art of ironing his mother’s pubic hair.

“There was this big party with a naked girl dancing on a bed and the Beatles were taking pictures of roadies having sex with her. I was sitting on John Lennon’s lap and felt something very hard in his pants.” -- -Ronnie Spector remembers having a go on Fab John’s organ while touring with the Beatles.

“A desperate desire to get laid has driven my career. Ugly pop stars get laid. Ugly accountants don’t.” -- Fatboy Slim reveals the influence that Bill Wyman had on his career choices.

“I’m a cross between Julie Andrews and Johnny Rotten.” -- -Former Spice Girl Gerri Halliwell, who must have just come back from Fantasy Island.

“I’m still very presentable but I can’t keep up with Mick. He has an unbelievably small backside and that’s what women go for.” -- Rod Stewart relinquishes his Lothario crown to Lord Jagger.

“It’ll be fun to lose to somebody different this time.” -- Aimee Mann comments on another Grammy nomination.

“Don’t tell me they’re gonna let the audience fucking stand out there! Seriously! This is fucking retarded!” -- Oops, Britney forgets her microphone is on at the Rock in Rio festival.

“I don’t listen to anything, and I don’t read the papers, and I don’t watch TV, and I don’t go to concerts.” -- George Harrison comments on his lack of interest in popular culture.

“If the Beatles hadn’t been any good, that name would have sounded stupid.” -- Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit.

“It will be interesting to see how they kill me off.” -- Mick Fleetwood comments on his drumming gig with Spinal Tap.

“I’m a big mouth -- whatever happens I’ll look like the big mouth bitch.” -- Sharon Osbourne on her well known management style.

“I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die” is a fantasy. But it’s fun to sing about those things.” -- - Johnny Cash

“After an hour on stage, sex and sweat are just pouring off of me.” -- Ronnie Spector, still enjoying her work.

“I went home and fucked all their girlfriends. I’m a great believer in revenge.” -- Motorhead’s Lemmy looks back fondly on being kicked out of his previous group, Hawkwind.

“So was Elvis Costello. So was Tom Petty. So was Bruce Springsteen. Why should I be any different?” -- Jakob Dylan after being asked if he is influenced by his famous dad.

“I think it’s disgusting that bands like A1, Steps, and Westlife get to number one. It’s all crap.” -- Mel C. (Scary Spice) commenting on the new girl pop groups in England. Pot calling the kettle black anyone?

“Artists are supposed to be a little eccentric. Van Gogh and those guys back then were temperamental and moody, but so what? Now, some of these artists might as well be working at Wal-Mart: “Hi, I’m a musician, how can I help you?” -- Lucinda Williams commenting on the current music scene.

“Some of us are looking to become mothers. And we’ll be looking for potential fathers. We’re going to call it the Looking for Dad Tour. Be warned!!”--Kathy Valentine of the Go Go’s on their upcoming reunion tour.
Chris Ceder
Appleton, WI